Cookies with a Crunch: The Challenge and Joy of Feedback Loops
I grew up very close to my maternal Grandmother, Edith. She
taught history, English and French before she retired. Her energy was a quiet
force. She taught me about commitment and hard work. Even in her retirement,
she was constantly on the go committing to the public library, AAUW, the
Historical Society, writing books tracing our genealogy, and her real passion:
spending time with her family, particularly her grandchildren. She taught me
that a smile, even in the hardest times, is the very best choice. She taught me
that the women in our family had “stones at the base of our spines” and that
there was not an obstacle that you could put in front of us that we could not
overcome.
One of her passions was chocolate. I remember vividly when
the research came out about the positive health benefits of chocolate. She was
over the moon. She had a saying that “your dessert tube is always open.” In my
early teen years, I learned to love baking. Many Saturday mornings, she would
come to our home and I would bake her chocolate chip cookies with walnuts.
She’d sit with me while I baked and be ready when the first batch came out of
the oven. She was always very positive about the cookies. It brought me joy to
spend that time with her and that she thought my baking was delicious.
Her modeling of positive feedback loops was something that came
full circle with me as I was working with credit unions to develop and grow sales
and service cultures. Working with Michael
Neill and Associates in two different credit unions, he shared with me that
as you look to shape new behavior, you “catch people doing it right.” Celebrate
the small wins along the way and show people that you notice the specific
behaviors that they are “trying on.” For example, “Sally, I like the way that
you just shared with our member how you might save him money. I look forward to
hearing that again with the next member you work with today.”
Why does our approach to creating positive change matter? According to
Gallup, only 33% of American workers are engaged. According to Gallup’s State
of the American Workforce Survey, “from 2012 to 2016, Gallup tracked movement
in the individual 12 elements and found notable improvements in three elements.”
(All 12
elements can be found on page 99 of the “State of the American Workforce”
Study) One of those was their fourth question, “In the last seven days, I
have received recognition or praise for doing good work.” Lest we believe this
is just the “soft stuff,” Gallup shares, “happier workers certainly benefit an
organization, but the real goal of employee engagement is improved business
outcomes. Engaged employees contribute to the economic health of their company
and the nation in ways that other employees do not.” (18) That is worth
fighting for.
As you look to manifest positive change with people,
encouraging more of what they are doing well, even when it isn’t perfect, is
important. It is a delicate balance though. As we grow healthy cultures both at
home and at work, we do not want to reward people just for showing up. We want
to avoid creating a culture of entitlement. This also means, we have to correct
for what doesn’t go well.
In a recent parent-teacher conference with my daughter
MacKenzie’s teacher, Tori, she shared that as they work with the first graders
to learn about their emotions and how to manage their feelings, they talk about
“sizing” their response. They may feel very angry or frustrated and that
feeling is okay, but how “big” that reaction is should be tied directly to how
“big” the situation is. Earlier this week I spilled coffee on myself as I was
heading out the door for work. It was so frustrating, but I thought of Tori’s
words and reminded myself, “the size of this isn’t so big. Settle down. It’s
coffee.”
Sizing our response to both positive and negative behaviors
matters deeply both at home and at work. As we coach our kids or our team
members to grow their skills and we see those skills emerging, we want to jump
in effusively to encourage more of the actions that will lead to longer term
positive change. We don’t want to remain overly effusive if that change stalls
out. For example, we’ve recently asked MacKenzie to begin making her bed each
morning. On the first day when she did it without being reminded, I was very
effusive. I won’t be having a party every time she makes her bed for the rest
of her life, but “catching her doing it right” as her behaviors change and
become habits is critical to shaping more of that positive change.
Sometimes we have to address the things that aren’t going
well also. Tori’s perspective on the size of the issue remains imperative. For
example, MacKenzie has a habit of “correcting people” when they make mistakes. Even
worse, occasionally she’ll insist on correcting someone on something that is
not even wrong. I’ve shared with her my perspective that sometimes being right
is less important than being kind. Telling people about very small mistakes is
not always helpful and can in fact alienate people from focusing on the bigger
issues.
At work this balance is challenging. I am a perfectionist
and I can take it hard when mistakes are made. However, as a leader, we can’t
see everything. We have to hire great people, create strong strategy, share
clear direction and “inspect and validate” the most important things to ensure
expectations are being met and standards are being upheld. When they aren’t,
that must be addressed.
Our own response to input is imperative as well. I have had
to learn to embrace input and negative feedback. It is certainly a journey. Seven
years ago, one of my mentors listened to me present. One of my goals in my
career at the time was to become a stronger presenter. When I finished I was
eager to hear his input. He said, “Tansley, that was poor. If you want to
become a stronger speaker, you have to start presenting on topics that you are
passionate about. As I listened to you, I realized this is a topic that you
don’t care much about and it showed.” I was crushed. I didn’t want to hear what
he shared. However, it helped me and it drove me. The clarity of the direction
and specificity of the input also helped to shape how I focused my energy
towards improvements.
Even with experience to know how productive negative
feedback can be, responding without frustration is a challenge. This last
weekend, I had time to bake cookies again. I found a new recipe and the
experience was joyful. It reminded me of my time with my Grandmother. This
recipe included crushed pretzels, so even the act of hammering away at the
tough pretzels was cathartic. I took a few cookies in to work the next day and
had a colleague tell me how much she enjoyed them and how surprised she was
that the pretzels didn’t get soggy as they baked. I felt good. I shared the
response from my colleague when I got home and my husband said, “I was going to
mention to you that when they first came out of the oven, the oats seemed a
little too crunchy, but after they cooled off they turned out really well with
a nice crunch on the outside and a soft inner center.” My face said it all. After
a long day, I just wanted to feel good about the cookies and even this small
bit of feedback made me feel like my efforts were being attacked. I was less
than interested in the input, regardless of the fact that it ultimately was
positive. My husband quickly emphasized that he’d eaten several of the cookies
and really enjoyed them. My fast and negative response shut him down. I
reminded myself that throughout life our response is the one thing that we can
control and that I need to stay open to input that can make things better. No
matter the feedback. No matter the size of the situation.
Creating cultural norms about mistakes, growth, learning and
feedback is imperative as well. While we as perfectionists hate to hear it,
humans are prone to error. We can assist our colleagues by helping them know
the boundaries for failure, how learning can be supported from failure and even
creating mechanisms to guard against errors in places when mistakes simply
cannot be tolerated.
It takes strength to lead and influence our people and our
families. Sometimes even catching people doing it right can feel arduous. Your internal
monologue may be screaming, “Seriously, that is so easy, am I really
celebrating making the bed?” Receiving negative feedback can feel like a dagger
to the heart. You may think, “Wow, doesn’t this person see all that I do and
how hard I’ve tried?” I’m challenging myself in all three areas: making strides
towards stronger and more regular delivery of positive feedback, sizing and
delivering the right and well timed negative input, and finally receiving and
welcoming input that can help me improve. I’m actively delivering, sizing and
receiving to become the nouns of better mom, wife, leader and baker. Thank
goodness for those stones at the base of my spine. Thank you Grandma Edith.
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