Standing Up as an Upstander
As a parent, one thing I was underprepared for, (of the
many), was how my husband and I would have strong and sometimes passionately
different ideas about the values and learned behaviors that were most important
for MacKenzie to learn. I’m a vegetarian and Scott is a carnivore. Early on in
our pregnancy, we discussed this and both felt it was best to let MacKenzie
decide what she likes and choose whether or not to eat meat just as I had. As
with most babies, she wasn’t particularly interested in eating meat when she
was first being introduced to solid foods. However, both my dad and Scott’s mom
and dad were excited to see if she would enjoy meat. One day someone shared
bacon with her and her choice was easily made. She is definitely not a
vegetarian. Even in these early days she was starting to demonstrate her
independence and decisiveness.
My husband Scott stays home with MacKenzie and thinks a lot
about how that time at home can help to shape her into a successful adult. He very
much values bravery and works to instill a sense of fearlessness in her.
They’ve climbed to the tops of mountains. He encourages her to push beyond her
comfort zone on hikes. He invites her to try new adventures and explore
activities outside of her routine. I am not fearless. I am a worrier and a
planner.
On my best days I think, “heck, only the paranoid survive.”
On my worst days, I just wish to turn off my brain. I’ve been working with a
fantastic coach recently to continue to advance my leadership skills. He’s
challenged me to create a worry journal and designate just one time per day as
a “worry time.” When worry pops up during other times of the day, I am to
remind myself in a good-natured way, “Oh you silly person. This isn’t your time
to worry. Do that later.” It has helped.
At Filene, we use a tool called the “Big Five” to better
understand one another, our work preferences and personal styles. As we
continue to nurture and grow what is already a very special culture, having
language and a deeper understanding of our colleagues has allowed us to improve
performance, create stronger as well as more robust interpersonal dynamics have
even more fun as we work to create positive impacts for people. One thing I
often point out as I’m working with new team members is that on the range of
trust, I’m incredibly low. My colleagues that have worked with me for a longer
period of time have said, “You are slow to trust, but once you do, it is a
deeper trust.”
As I think about nurturing MacKenzie’s fearlessness, I’ve
speculated with those that know me best about where all of this trepidation and
concern were born. I think my mom said
it best, “The shoe has dropped a number of times in your life and you guardedly
await that proverbial shoe dropping again.” One of the times that it dropped
the hardest and furthest was my seventh-grade year.
I found myself reflecting upon this year recently as
MacKenzie experienced bullying for the first time. As much as we try, standing
fearless in the face of bullying is extremely difficult, especially the first
time it happens. I was on the road and received a call from my mom who was at
our home with my husband and MacKenzie. She’d arrived home from school very
upset. We jumped on FaceTime and she relayed the story of a boy on the
playground picking on her. She told me, “Mommy I don’t feel safe.” My heart
sank. I spent a year of my life feeling unsafe and it was a time that will
never fully disconnect from my psyche.
My sixth-grade year was a great one. I had a new best friend
who had recently moved to our small town and lived in close proximity to our
farm. I felt confident and probably at times overly so. That overconfidence
manifested with teasing and sometimes thoughtless comments. I know I wasn’t as
kind as I should have been. Those bad choices came back to me many fold.
I’m not sure what day it happened. I don’t remember exactly
where I was the first time I heard it, but what I remember vividly was every
single day for one full-year being called a derogatory name. One of the girls
that I had not been kind to spread a rumor and it stuck. My mom was teaching
English at the local high school and she’d drop me at school each morning on
her way in. The middle school was just a few blocks away, but this schedule
meant I arrived 20-30 minutes before classes began. There were other kids there
waiting as well. At least once a week as she would pull away, one of those
other waiting kids had taunts and occasionally even things to throw at me. In
between classes, at lunch, really during any moment when we weren’t directly
with teachers, the taunts were alive.
After weeks, I shared with my parents. They told me to
ignore the bullying. They assured me it would end. My friends started to avoid
eye contact. They did not want me to sit with them during lunch. Weeks became
months. It wasn’t going away. My parents wrestled with pulling me from the
school. They were torn between the continued distress and the lesson that you
have to face these moments in life when things get difficult and see them
through. In an effort to find resolution, my mom took me in to meet with the
Assistant Vice Principal.
She was frank with me. She told me, “Tansley, the reason
this continues to occur is because you react. You are a perfect kid to bully.
You cry, you shut down, you walk away. But, I can help you end this tomorrow.”
My heart beat quickly. I thought, “Really? She can help?” She continued, “What
you need to do is respond with force. I will have to suspend you, but if the
next time anyone starts with the bullying, you punch them, it will be over.
They will know you aren’t going to take it anymore.” I looked at her with awe.
I looked at my mom who had raised me with my dad in a mantra of, “You never hit
anyone under any circumstances, ever. No matter what.” I knew I could never do
it.
I didn’t. I continued to be the perfect kid to bully. I had
two friends and one very special teacher that stood by me. They would eat with
me during lunch. They would talk to me. They never called me any horrible names.
They helped me survive. Eventually time passed. By the time eighth grade
started, the taunts were not nearly as common and by the time ninth grade
arrived, it was only an occasional occurrence. It took me well into adulthood
to not cringe anytime I heard the names I was called.
It took time to gain confidence. When things went well, I
never took the good times for granted. I knew that they could soon end. I knew
that a mistake I made or another situation I didn’t expect could explode. I
carry that worry close to my heart. I often joke with my mom when things are
going especially well, “I’ll probably get hit by a bus today.” She will laugh
and encourage me, “Don’t say such things. Enjoy what is going well, my dear.”
Fortunately, times have changed at schools. They take
bullying very seriously. They’ve taught my daughter and her peers to “upstand.”
In fact, one of her dear friends immediately ran over to her when she was being
bullied and said, “MacKenzie, I’m your friend and I’m standing up for you.” The
lesson is such a wonderful one and the impact is so profound. The kids have
language to help them do the right thing. They know how to support one another.
I’m hopeful the impact of this will not only prevent bullying and reduce the
impact of what bullying does occur, but ultimately ensure that fewer kids
develop this sense of worry and distrust. While this wasn’t the only thing that
shaped my tendency to worry, it certainly played a big role.
In some ways, the worry has served me well. It causes me to
plan. I prepare and think ahead to try to avoid unnecessarily bad outcomes. It
also at times prevents me from simply enjoying the present. I’m learning ways
to the manage the worry and I also allow myself to celebrate how, to a degree, it
has helped me to be rigorous in my focus on foresight and planning.
While there is no nirvana in human beings, I actively look
to help MacKenzie develop a strong appetite for adventure and maintain the zest
for life that she exudes today. I also hope that we can help her develop a well-honed
ability for foresight. Without the burden of worry, I believe having the skills
to see potential obstacles, challenges and downsides can help her to be more
successful in whatever pursuits she eventually chooses. It may be impossible to
walk this razor’s edge between two views of the world. She may have to find really
good partners and colleagues to balance her tendencies once they form and are
firm.
The verb of worrying is one I live frequently. It has led me
to become many nouns, some less productive than others. I am a more empathetic
mom and a more vigilant and prepared executive. I am so hopeful that the work
that school systems are doing today will help to prevent bullying in the
future. Despite all I’ve learned from my personal experiences, what I observed recently
is that the approach MacKenzie’s school took armed her and her classmates within
the schools to end bullying much more quickly and ultimately help us to nurture
a brave child who will hopefully grow up without fear combined with the gift of
foresight. Time will tell.
In this complicated world, we can all be “upstanders.” We
all need someone to stand up with us. As you look around your office today, as
you walk to the bus stop, as you amble through your neighborhood, who needs you
to stand up? Please act the verb of standing up and be an “upstander.” It could
change a life and create a sense of peace for someone who has been struggling
or ensure that a little person remains brave.
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